Intentional

Polyamory, despite being something that I find deeply intriguing and refreshing, has been something I've struggled with since I've come to know it. There were times it felt all consuming, as if I couldn't find myself under all this confusion and conflict about who I am, what I feel and believe.

I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out if it were right for me. Sure, I could easily understand the idea that you can love one person and then fall in love with another without loosing love for that first person. It was surprising to me because for the longest time I thought love faded if you went from one person to another.

And for a while, it was the truth for me. At least I told myself that it was.

The truth of it was and still is, the people I really fell in love with...it never went away. It just changed. Love is like anything else that lives and breathes. You have to take care of it or else it withers away. I believe that with all my heart. I just no longer believe that love is immutable.

But what used to frustrate me about polyamory is what I've come to respect and like about it. I've always wanted a big family and as I grew older, I began to understand that family is what you make it. Having a mother and a father and a sibling doesn't make a family. It's how you love one another, how you interact and how you care for one another that makes you a family. I know a number of people with families that don't talk, don't connect, and even hurt each other. How is that a family, because you are bonded by blood? Not for me.

In high school, I had this core group of friends that I did nearly everything with. It was a given the six of us would get together every weekend, eat dinner, watch movies, act silly...all the things you do with people you love. We even had this silly yahoo group we'd use to post invitations to hang out and plan what we wanted to do. We grew close, we shared almost everything, we made time for one another and yeah, we even drove each other a little crazy. We didn't always have the ability to get together but we were always in each other's hearts. They were my family and I loved them all dearly. It's the first time I experienced having more than one "family" and that being completely normal for me. And even now that we're no longer as close as we used to be, they'll always hold that place in my heart.

We were even intimate a couple of times. Purely accidental moments, drinking and carousing, timid attraction leading to experimentation. I couldn't have picked better people to explore my sexuality with. It was one of the safest, most loving, and enjoyable moments of my life. Who better than with people you love?

The fact is, I miss it. I miss the feeling of being surrounded by people who love and care about each other (and me, even though I've been known to be too blind to see it). I find that longing for a family coinciding with my longing for a girlfriend.

My boyfriend and I differ about her views when it comes to what we want in polyamory. He wants another woman to join us in a triad. The three of us loving and caring for one another and no one else in a romantic sense. It's something he wanted since he was very young, a lifelong dream or fantasy however you want to take it.

I used to feel this would be best, common misconceptions about preventing jealousy and heartache. I've since learned, there's no prevention really, just dealing and overcoming. I find myself thinking about whoever may enter my life and not wanting to keep that person from expressing their love for someone else. I dream of having close friendships with their lovers, all of us being able to sit at a table together over a hot meal like old friends. Knowing that I have more than one shoulder to cry on if I need it.

I've also realized that I'm a bit of an NRE junkie. I love those first moments when you realize you're attracted to someone. Where you nervously ask them out, try not to sound stupid on a date, and build your courage for that first kiss. All those feelings rushing through as you imagine the possibility of life with this person, of being intimate with them and learning about them. It's exciting and scary at the same time. But I love it.

It's because of all of this that I want an intentional family, why I find myself so drawn to polyamory.

It'll be hard, there will be tears, and I know that if I choose to live this lifestyle people will turn away from me in disgust. People who say they love me won't be able to accept the choices I've made or the new people in my life. But none of this is enough to dissuade me. This is what a really want.

A Little Lesson in Communicating Skills

As I was talking to my mother today about religion I realized where I get some of my communication pitfalls.

My mom isn't the best communicator. She's gotten better over the years, after leaving my father and developing her own voice. But the habits I have, I learned from her.

When it comes to religion, I tend to have the "No thank you!" approach. Overtime I've realized it has no place in my life. That doesn't mean I'm an atheist but that I'm comfortable in my spirituality without a chosen avatar or named god.

My mother on the other hand is a staunch Christian. She's always been Christian, it's all she's ever known. To her, the Bible is the literal truth of god and Jesus in the gateway to heaven.

And my mother is also too worried about offending people. As we talked, I noticed how there were time she didn't totally listen to my point. She has already made up in her mind the correct answers and is completely ready to combat whatever arguments I may bring up. Because she believes she's right.

Also, she's overly concerned about being misunderstood. And I know that's because of how my father treated her. In his opinion, she was never right, he was. She was always wrong. He NEVER listend to what she had to say without automatically filtering in his own prejudices. And the truth was always twisted to be what he wanted.

My brother was the same way. And I spent majority of my time fighting my brother to get him to understand who I was...until I simply stopped trying.

How does that fit in with being poly? I can notice her problems with a communicating and learn from them by being on the other side. By experiencing how frustrating it can be. I can understand why my boyfriend gets so frustrated with me (although it doesn't mean I don't get frustrated with him or that he doesn't have his own problems communicating). My boyfriend is generally better at articulating his viewpoint. I still need to work on this.

We have little lessons everyday and we may never really know it.

And then...

So the big night is over. And by big night I mean the two hours my friend was over at my apartment having sex with my boyfriend while I busied myself elsewhere. For the most part of the night, I was fine. I was teasing my boyfriend. Arranging everything (from times to giving directions). I was cool, collected and actually enjoying the time I had alone to wander the bookstore for a few hours without feeling rushed.

I surprised even myself.

Once a came home I did feel a little insecurity raise up. Amid the discussion of details, feeling a bit weirded out (I could never be sexually involved with this friend), I did feel the whispers of deeply rooted fears of inadequacy come up. I guess I would be totally surprised if it didn't. Plus, this happened the day before my birthday. Not a big deal, just a little salt into the mix.

I don't think I handled it as well as I could have. My first reaction whenever I feel this way or whenever my boyfriend has been sexual with someone else is to pull away and not be physical with him in any way. That means not trying to sit next to him or cuddle him. Which is the worst thing I could do because that's the one thing he really wants, is for me to just be close with him. I know it's because he worries I won't be okay and by being close with him it assures him I am.

But it feels false to do so. Especially, when I know my feelings have nothing to do with him and what he and my friend did. And everything to do with social programming and my own hang ups. And I know he can't fix it, which he hates worst of all.

And I hate making him feel this way. But ultimately I don't think it would have been right for me at the time to be physical with him when I didn't feel it. I don't want to be dishonest with myself or with him and I know he feels the same.

I spoke with him briefly about it and he did understand how I felt even if he did think it ridiculous. For me, it just takes time. This really isn't easy. I have a lot to grapple with and under the circumstances I'm doing pretty damn well to move past it.

In this past year alone, I've changed so much. I can almost hardly believe it. And despite whatever icky feelings came up I am happy for both him and my friend (who has never had a good sexual experience or orgasmed in her life). Now she can take this experience with her and hopefully learn from it and grow from it and learn more about her sexual self. It would do her a hella good to be less tense!

And I know my boyfriend is happy to have had the experience of his girlfriend pimping him out to one of her friends and being fine with it.

Part of what makes it so easy is knowing that a) she's moving back home, b) she's not really interested in relationships and c) it's a one time thing. I consider her a pretty good friend but as a person we just clash in so many ways that I can only really handle her presence for a few days out of the month and certainly not for long periods of time. If she and my boyfriend developed feelings for each other I'd be in deep shit.

My boyfriend did learn something about himself in the process. He doesn't really like meaningless sex. His ideal would be sex with two women who he loves and adores with all his heart and soul. Pretty cute really.

I'm still scared of watching him fall in love with someone else but at least it's progress.

Drunk and Confused

I pretty much set up a friend of mine to have sex with my boyfriend. And I honestly could not care less. It's funny. There's no jealousy. I'm not threatened. In all honesty, I think it's funny. And you know, it'll give my friend a positive sexual experience. And I don't think she'll get crazy.

It's just funny. I'm perfectly glad to orchestrate this whole thing for him and her. And I have no desire to be involved.

I'm not sure what to do with this information. I just can't drudge up the feeling to be bothered.

FMF vs MFM Triads and Vee's

Ok, so my boyfriend and I are among the many couples who are looking to add another female into the picture. My boyfriend isn't bi so he's got no interested in males sexually. Nor is he comfortable with the idea of me having another male lover. And I'm fine with these notions (though, I admit, if he were bi it'd be hot). I'm not interested in pushing him in a direction he's not ready or interested in going in.

I'm the kind of person that's more monogamy minded than I am poly minded. I don't need to have lots of different love experiences. I enjoy them but I'm perfectly fine with one or two.

My boyfriend has wanted a triad with two women since he was five years old. In his mind, he envisioned a relationship where everyone loved and valued each other equally, meaning sexually and emotionally. As for me, being bisexual, I like the dynamic of having both a male and a female lover at the same time. I feel like it gives me a sort of balance that I don't normally have in a monogamous relationship.

But I have one stupid hangup. I sometimes feel like it would be completely unbalanced to be in a relationship with my boyfriend and another woman who's involved with him as well. It feels like I'm just playing into the stereotype of being the girlfriend who goes along with it to make the dude happy while he gets to "live the dream" with two girls.

When I stop and think about, I know this isn't the case. I know that he'd be perfectly fine being the leg in the Vee relationship where I was the hinge and had a girlfriend. I also know that he'd be just fine if we stayed monogamous.

What is it with the idea that we can handle our lovers with someone of their same gender but not our same gender? I know that if I have a woman in my life whom I love and adore as much as I do my boyfriend that it won't be the same as having that love I share with him. I know this but I still get this hangup. I could care less if he wanted to go out and get a boyfriend. I would not need to be involved other than being friends with this hypothetical guy. And my only issue I'd have isn't something new, I'd just miss my boyfriend when he's not around.

But another woman? Suddenly, I'm having panic attacks. I start to wonder if she's better at sex than me. If she's prettier. If she's a better companion, if they have more things in common. If she makes him happier. And I struggle with these thoughts almost every day. I feel like, "She's a woman, I'm a woman, we must be comparable!" Nevermind the fact that no two people are alike and even if they did have more in common she's not me and I'm not her.

And I know my boyfriend loves and adores me. That I'm special to him. He won't find another one like me.

Part of the problem is that I feel it's unfair that he is allowed to want and desire other women but if I were to do that about another man, it would kill him.

I don't even want another man in my life! It's just the hypothetical idea, that he would love me and trust me enough and be secure in our relationship and his worth to me enough that having another boyfriend wouldn't be a threat.

That's the real issue. I want that same trust. I want to know that I can and probably never will and that it'll be fine either way. I want to feel like I'm not alone in this horrible process of changing oneself (hopefully for the better).

But he's not there. And you know what? Deep down inside, I am able to deal with it. I wouldn't be here, writing my thoughts and analyzing every feeling if part of me didn't want this too.

Should I Give Up?

I sent a message to H asking her if she'd be willing to give it another go (more or less) and I still haven't gotten word back yet. I have this suspician that she might have already found someone else. As far as I know, she's not poly so I don't hold any hope that even if she would give us another try that she'd do it while seeing someone else. Who knows, she may really like this person. If it's true...

I hate feeling like this. I feel like I just get my hopes up for nothing and then I'm left with nothing and wondering why I bothered in the first place. It's pretty much getting rejected a second time. Not the end of the world, but still hurtful. It's rare that I find a girl that I a.) really like and b.)feel a connection with.

Sometimes I think I'm doomed to only have one experience with poly, that being the negative one.

This Best Describes How I Feel About "Being Poly"

I found this excerpt on alt.polyamory. When I read it, it clicked, this is exactly how I think about mono vs poly and where I fit on the spectrum of things:

"There aren'tpolyamorous and monogamous people; there are polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those you are involved in relationships with."

I hate always feeling like I have to be one or the other. It's a nice reminder that I don't have to be.