Poly-wha? Love, Sex, and Everything in Between

Intentional

2009-02-27T10:57:00.001-08:00

Polyamory, despite being something that I find deeply intriguing and refreshing, has been something I've struggled with since I've come to know it. There were times it felt all consuming, as if I couldn't find myself under all this confusion and conflict about who I am, what I feel and believe.

I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out if it were right for me. Sure, I could easily understand the idea that you can love one person and then fall in love with another without loosing love for that first person. It was surprising to me because for the longest time I thought love faded if you went from one person to another.

And for a while, it was the truth for me. At least I told myself that it was.

The truth of it was and still is, the people I really fell in love with...it never went away. It just changed. Love is like anything else that lives and breathes. You have to take care of it or else it withers away. I believe that with all my heart. I just no longer believe that love is immutable.

But what used to frustrate me about polyamory is what I've come to respect and like about it. I've always wanted a big family and as I grew older, I began to understand that family is what you make it. Having a mother and a father and a sibling doesn't make a family. It's how you love one another, how you interact and how you care for one another that makes you a family. I know a number of people with families that don't talk, don't connect, and even hurt each other. How is that a family, because you are bonded by blood? Not for me.

In high school, I had this core group of friends that I did nearly everything with. It was a given the six of us would get together every weekend, eat dinner, watch movies, act silly...all the things you do with people you love. We even had this silly yahoo group we'd use to post invitations to hang out and plan what we wanted to do. We grew close, we shared almost everything, we made time for one another and yeah, we even drove each other a little crazy. We didn't always have the ability to get together but we were always in each other's hearts. They were my family and I loved them all dearly. It's the first time I experienced having more than one "family" and that being completely normal for me. And even now that we're no longer as close as we used to be, they'll always hold that place in my heart.

We were even intimate a couple of times. Purely accidental moments, drinking and carousing, timid attraction leading to experimentation. I couldn't have picked better people to explore my sexuality with. It was one of the safest, most loving, and enjoyable moments of my life. Who better than with people you love?

The fact is, I miss it. I miss the feeling of being surrounded by people who love and care about each other (and me, even though I've been known to be too blind to see it). I find that longing for a family coinciding with my longing for a girlfriend.

My boyfriend and I differ about her views when it comes to what we want in polyamory. He wants another woman to join us in a triad. The three of us loving and caring for one another and no one else in a romantic sense. It's something he wanted since he was very young, a lifelong dream or fantasy however you want to take it.

I used to feel this would be best, common misconceptions about preventing jealousy and heartache. I've since learned, there's no prevention really, just dealing and overcoming. I find myself thinking about whoever may enter my life and not wanting to keep that person from expressing their love for someone else. I dream of having close friendships with their lovers, all of us being able to sit at a table together over a hot meal like old friends. Knowing that I have more than one shoulder to cry on if I need it.

I've also realized that I'm a bit of an NRE junkie. I love those first moments when you realize you're attracted to someone. Where you nervously ask them out, try not to sound stupid on a date, and build your courage for that first kiss. All those feelings rushing through as you imagine the possibility of life with this person, of being intimate with them and learning about them. It's exciting and scary at the same time. But I love it.

It's because of all of this that I want an intentional family, why I find myself so drawn to polyamory.

It'll be hard, there will be tears, and I know that if I choose to live this lifestyle people will turn away from me in disgust. People who say they love me won't be able to accept the choices I've made or the new people in my life. But none of this is enough to dissuade me. This is what a really want.

A Little Lesson in Communicating Skills

2008-12-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

As I was talking to my mother today about religion I realized where I get some of my communication pitfalls.

My mom isn't the best communicator. She's gotten better over the years, after leaving my father and developing her own voice. But the habits I have, I learned from her.

When it comes to religion, I tend to have the "No thank you!" approach. Overtime I've realized it has no place in my life. That doesn't mean I'm an atheist but that I'm comfortable in my spirituality without a chosen avatar or named god.

My mother on the other hand is a staunch Christian. She's always been Christian, it's all she's ever known. To her, the Bible is the literal truth of god and Jesus in the gateway to heaven.

And my mother is also too worried about offending people. As we talked, I noticed how there were time she didn't totally listen to my point. She has already made up in her mind the correct answers and is completely ready to combat whatever arguments I may bring up. Because she believes she's right.

Also, she's overly concerned about being misunderstood. And I know that's because of how my father treated her. In his opinion, she was never right, he was. She was always wrong. He NEVER listend to what she had to say without automatically filtering in his own prejudices. And the truth was always twisted to be what he wanted.

My brother was the same way. And I spent majority of my time fighting my brother to get him to understand who I was...until I simply stopped trying.

How does that fit in with being poly? I can notice her problems with a communicating and learn from them by being on the other side. By experiencing how frustrating it can be. I can understand why my boyfriend gets so frustrated with me (although it doesn't mean I don't get frustrated with him or that he doesn't have his own problems communicating). My boyfriend is generally better at articulating his viewpoint. I still need to work on this.

We have little lessons everyday and we may never really know it.

And then...

2008-12-19T21:30:00.001-08:00

So the big night is over. And by big night I mean the two hours my friend was over at my apartment having sex with my boyfriend while I busied myself elsewhere. For the most part of the night, I was fine. I was teasing my boyfriend. Arranging everything (from times to giving directions). I was cool, collected and actually enjoying the time I had alone to wander the bookstore for a few hours without feeling rushed.

I surprised even myself.

Once a came home I did feel a little insecurity raise up. Amid the discussion of details, feeling a bit weirded out (I could never be sexually involved with this friend), I did feel the whispers of deeply rooted fears of inadequacy come up. I guess I would be totally surprised if it didn't. Plus, this happened the day before my birthday. Not a big deal, just a little salt into the mix.

I don't think I handled it as well as I could have. My first reaction whenever I feel this way or whenever my boyfriend has been sexual with someone else is to pull away and not be physical with him in any way. That means not trying to sit next to him or cuddle him. Which is the worst thing I could do because that's the one thing he really wants, is for me to just be close with him. I know it's because he worries I won't be okay and by being close with him it assures him I am.

But it feels false to do so. Especially, when I know my feelings have nothing to do with him and what he and my friend did. And everything to do with social programming and my own hang ups. And I know he can't fix it, which he hates worst of all.

And I hate making him feel this way. But ultimately I don't think it would have been right for me at the time to be physical with him when I didn't feel it. I don't want to be dishonest with myself or with him and I know he feels the same.

I spoke with him briefly about it and he did understand how I felt even if he did think it ridiculous. For me, it just takes time. This really isn't easy. I have a lot to grapple with and under the circumstances I'm doing pretty damn well to move past it.

In this past year alone, I've changed so much. I can almost hardly believe it. And despite whatever icky feelings came up I am happy for both him and my friend (who has never had a good sexual experience or orgasmed in her life). Now she can take this experience with her and hopefully learn from it and grow from it and learn more about her sexual self. It would do her a hella good to be less tense!

And I know my boyfriend is happy to have had the experience of his girlfriend pimping him out to one of her friends and being fine with it.

Part of what makes it so easy is knowing that a) she's moving back home, b) she's not really interested in relationships and c) it's a one time thing. I consider her a pretty good friend but as a person we just clash in so many ways that I can only really handle her presence for a few days out of the month and certainly not for long periods of time. If she and my boyfriend developed feelings for each other I'd be in deep shit.

My boyfriend did learn something about himself in the process. He doesn't really like meaningless sex. His ideal would be sex with two women who he loves and adores with all his heart and soul. Pretty cute really.

I'm still scared of watching him fall in love with someone else but at least it's progress.

Drunk and Confused

2008-12-16T22:22:00.001-08:00

I pretty much set up a friend of mine to have sex with my boyfriend. And I honestly could not care less. It's funny. There's no jealousy. I'm not threatened. In all honesty, I think it's funny. And you know, it'll give my friend a positive sexual experience. And I don't think she'll get crazy.

It's just funny. I'm perfectly glad to orchestrate this whole thing for him and her. And I have no desire to be involved.

I'm not sure what to do with this information. I just can't drudge up the feeling to be bothered.

FMF vs MFM Triads and Vee's

2008-12-13T21:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so my boyfriend and I are among the many couples who are looking to add another female into the picture. My boyfriend isn't bi so he's got no interested in males sexually. Nor is he comfortable with the idea of me having another male lover. And I'm fine with these notions (though, I admit, if he were bi it'd be hot). I'm not interested in pushing him in a direction he's not ready or interested in going in.

I'm the kind of person that's more monogamy minded than I am poly minded. I don't need to have lots of different love experiences. I enjoy them but I'm perfectly fine with one or two.

My boyfriend has wanted a triad with two women since he was five years old. In his mind, he envisioned a relationship where everyone loved and valued each other equally, meaning sexually and emotionally. As for me, being bisexual, I like the dynamic of having both a male and a female lover at the same time. I feel like it gives me a sort of balance that I don't normally have in a monogamous relationship.

But I have one stupid hangup. I sometimes feel like it would be completely unbalanced to be in a relationship with my boyfriend and another woman who's involved with him as well. It feels like I'm just playing into the stereotype of being the girlfriend who goes along with it to make the dude happy while he gets to "live the dream" with two girls.

When I stop and think about, I know this isn't the case. I know that he'd be perfectly fine being the leg in the Vee relationship where I was the hinge and had a girlfriend. I also know that he'd be just fine if we stayed monogamous.

What is it with the idea that we can handle our lovers with someone of their same gender but not our same gender? I know that if I have a woman in my life whom I love and adore as much as I do my boyfriend that it won't be the same as having that love I share with him. I know this but I still get this hangup. I could care less if he wanted to go out and get a boyfriend. I would not need to be involved other than being friends with this hypothetical guy. And my only issue I'd have isn't something new, I'd just miss my boyfriend when he's not around.

But another woman? Suddenly, I'm having panic attacks. I start to wonder if she's better at sex than me. If she's prettier. If she's a better companion, if they have more things in common. If she makes him happier. And I struggle with these thoughts almost every day. I feel like, "She's a woman, I'm a woman, we must be comparable!" Nevermind the fact that no two people are alike and even if they did have more in common she's not me and I'm not her.

And I know my boyfriend loves and adores me. That I'm special to him. He won't find another one like me.

Part of the problem is that I feel it's unfair that he is allowed to want and desire other women but if I were to do that about another man, it would kill him.

I don't even want another man in my life! It's just the hypothetical idea, that he would love me and trust me enough and be secure in our relationship and his worth to me enough that having another boyfriend wouldn't be a threat.

That's the real issue. I want that same trust. I want to know that I can and probably never will and that it'll be fine either way. I want to feel like I'm not alone in this horrible process of changing oneself (hopefully for the better).

But he's not there. And you know what? Deep down inside, I am able to deal with it. I wouldn't be here, writing my thoughts and analyzing every feeling if part of me didn't want this too.

Should I Give Up?

2008-12-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

I sent a message to H asking her if she'd be willing to give it another go (more or less) and I still haven't gotten word back yet. I have this suspician that she might have already found someone else. As far as I know, she's not poly so I don't hold any hope that even if she would give us another try that she'd do it while seeing someone else. Who knows, she may really like this person. If it's true...

I hate feeling like this. I feel like I just get my hopes up for nothing and then I'm left with nothing and wondering why I bothered in the first place. It's pretty much getting rejected a second time. Not the end of the world, but still hurtful. It's rare that I find a girl that I a.) really like and b.)feel a connection with.

Sometimes I think I'm doomed to only have one experience with poly, that being the negative one.

This Best Describes How I Feel About "Being Poly"

2008-12-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

I found this excerpt on alt.polyamory. When I read it, it clicked, this is exactly how I think about mono vs poly and where I fit on the spectrum of things:

"There aren'tpolyamorous and monogamous people; there are polyamorous and monogamous relationships. The same person may at various times be happy in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships at various times in his/her life. What is right depends on you and your feelings, and the feelings of those you are involved in relationships with."

I hate always feeling like I have to be one or the other. It's a nice reminder that I don't have to be.

I Called It A Lesson Learned

2008-12-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

There are things that polyamory can teach you that I don't always feel you'll get from many monogamy based sources.

In poly, particularly to those who didn't always feel poly, you have to learn to recognize:

codependency
independence
self awareness
self fulfillment

Not only do you have to be able to recognize these things within yourself, you have to be able to understand how they affect you and what they mean. It's not just saying, "I'm jealous," or "I'm lonely." It's understanding what is the motivational factor behind these feelings.

That's not to say you won't learn these things in a monogamous relationship. But the way our culture tends to treat relationships between two people (romantic) is by focusing on the dichotomy. It's "She's feeling this while He's thinking this." There's a great deal of focus on how to communicate through a gender gap. In poly, it's not always going to be he said versus she said. The gender configurations are going to be too numerous. Instead, the direction becomes more inward. You.

Why do you feel jealous?
What are you're needs?
What do you want?
What do you feel?

It's about ownership of how you feel instead of focusing so much on the other person(s) in you're life. Being poly means forcing yourself to deal with the hardships you've gone through and the painful feelings you may or may not want to relive. Problems will blow up much faster between three people rather than two if they are not dealt with quickly and thuroughly. Communication becomes a much bigger issue when it's about sensitive subjects of love and sex. Balance means an entirely different thing when you're trying to have more than one meaningful relationship.

And while there are some self help books available, most of what you learn is going to be on a day to day basis, through experience. There's not going to be a section in the bookstore about navigating polyamorous relationships or how to date as a couple, triad, quad, etc. Thankfully, people have started communities online to offer help and support.

For me personally, poly has allowed me to understand how I communicate versus how my boyfriend does and where things get lost in translation. I've learned that I'm not entirely self sufficient but that given the circumstances I could learn to live on my own. I could go on, I could find new love and a new life if I had to. I learned that need does not equal love. I've learned that I have needs that I often ignore to please someone else. I learned that jealousy can be managed (although it isn't always easy) and that my value as a person isn't tied to how much sex I can give and how great I can give it.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. It's not over. But at least I can recognize these things.

I do believe we learn many things from monogamy that we may not necessarily get from polyamory too. For me, it's easier to open up and be vulnerable in a dyad than a triad. And I always feel more intimacy when I'm one on one with a person, it completely changes the energy in a room when there's more than just the two of you. For me, mono and poly are interchangeable. Provided I'm with the right person or people.

Whether or not my boyfriend and I ever enter another polyamorous relationship or if we continue our lives together the way it's always been I can take these lessons with me. I can learn to be a better communicator and to act on my needs. It had made this relationship stronger than I ever thought possible, given our rocky start. This is what this part of my life is about, self discovery.

Can I Have That Hour Back Please?

2008-12-04T05:59:00.000-08:00

I think last night was probably the most awkward night of mine and my boyfriend's life. We decided to go on a "date" with a woman, A., we met from online. We've been trying (and failing) at this online dating thing mainly because we just don't know what we're doing. It took us forever to figure out how the site worked to begin with.

Anyway, we've sorta reached our ropes end with it. But we contacted a girl who wanted to meet up. I guess I should have known how it was going to go when we talked with her online and it felt strained just to have a regular conversation.

But I thought, "Well, some people just aren't online personalities so maybe she's more open in person."

I was wrong.

Our dinner last night consisted of my boyfriend and I trying to break the ice and only making a few cracks in it followed by looooooong awkward silences. There were times she gave us looks like she was a deer caught in headlights and my boyfriend and I shared private "Oh dear god" looks throughout the night.

The dinner only lasted an hour at which point we both new nothing was going to happen between us. That hour felt almost excruciating! I hate being in awkward social situations, my tendency is to start laughing uncontrollably because I get nervous or frustrated. Luckily, I was able to control myself not to do this in front of our "date."

On another note, this got me thinking about H. the woman I had previously gone out with and had one of the best first dates of my life. I couldn't help but compare the two. I had so much instant chemistry with H. than I did with A. Talking with my boyfriend about this, he has encouraged me to try and contact her again.

I'm nervous as hell but he's right, the worst thing that could happen is she could reject me a second time. But the best thing...the best thing that could happen would be amazing!

So I suppose the good things that came out last night: a good long laugh, steamed gyoza (my favorite) and a renewed sense of confidence, oh and some really hot sex afterwards (Just the two of us).

Here's hoping for the best thing that could happen.

It's Hard Work For Something You Want

2008-11-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

I never really think about it. (I guess with this kind of thing, there's a lot I just don't think about). But being poly means being prepared for a lot of hard work and hard times.

Personally speaking.

Because I'm the kind of person that accepts that one person can love another...and another and it's all gravy. But I'm also the kind of person who could take it or leave it at times. I could be happy in a monogamous relationship and I know I could be happy in a polyamorous one given I'm in it with the right people.

Often enough, what makes me want to leave it is the hardship that so many people seem to go through just to get it together. I mean, it's like triple the heartache.

However, there's at least a light at the end of the tunnel. These people who stick with it, who go through it, who cry, who hurt, who struggle to find balance and happiness, they really do seem to find it in the end.

It's like they open their eyes and realize they're in a strong, solid place, where the demons of fear and insecurity are no longer a serious issue for them. It seems like they reach this place of quiet complacency, of happiness, stability...calm.

And I get scared I won't be like them, that I won't make it through.

And I know it'll be hard because I'm prone to jealousy fairly easy. I have self image issues. I have fear of abandonment. And most of all, I have the fear that I won't be loved as much as someone else. Sure, I'll be loved...but not the way it should be.

I know what people will say. That I should accept the love that is given and accept the relationship for what it is. Be happy with what I've got. But sometimes it feels too much like settling. Like, if I can have exactly the kind of love I want from a person, that I should have it.

Bottom line is, I'm afraid that I won't have the poly relationship I want and that because I love these people so much I'll stay in a situation I don't want just to make others happy, just like I did before. Because it's all I know.

The people who've reached that calming place, they had to work through all their bullshit to get there. So why can't I seem to get through mine?

The Difference Between Friends and Lovers

2008-11-20T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am not a person who can readily blur the lines between friend and lover, especially if things turn serious. With casual relationships, it's much easier if there aren't any serious feelings invested (i.e. love).

But I very much have a distinct separation of the idea of "friend" versus the idea of "lover." (And it's not just about the sex although that is a huge part of it.)

It's why, I don't really consider my boyfriend a friend. I feel like it doesn't completely explain the truth depth of meaning behind our relationship. It's why when a relationship ends, I tend to not want a friendship with that person for various reasons related to my emotional stability. That's not to say it couldn't happen, but in general it's just not going to. It leaves me feeling confused about my connection to this person and how I feel about them. I feel that separation is better for the both of us to move on with our lives.

It's also why I rarely find myself saying "love" in reference to a friend. I suppose, I limit myself over the use of the word but there are few instances where I can that I love a friend of mine in a strictly platonic way. If I do find myself using the word love to describe my feelings about a friend, it generally means that I've managed to fall in love with that person.

And from there, it's no longer so simple.

When I'm in love, I want that person in my life day in and day out, I want to touch them, be affectionate, to sacrifice for them, to make love, and lay in each others arms. I want the intimacy that comes along with it and the powerful connection that having a shared love can bring.

A lover, to me, is someone I can be intimate with in a way I don't feel I can with many of my friends. It's someone I am very physical with whereas I'm not as physical with my friends. I never have been, beyond a hug. I've never had the friendships where you sit on a couch and cuddle or something like that. Those types of affections I tend to reserve for my lover.

I share more of myself with my lover than I do with my friends. I'm a fairly private person and I feel most comfortable being vulnerable with someone I'm in love with versus someone I consider a friend.

It's something about poly people that I personally have trouble understanding, equating the love between friends to the love between romantic partners. For me, it's not the same, despite using the same four letter word. I wonder if to some it would mean I'm not poly

When You're Up You're Down

2008-11-12T07:03:00.000-08:00

Something I still struggle with in the aftermath (a year later) of our breakup with J. is the feeling that I am going to give my heart to someone...and then have it hurt.

I can easily rationalize and be logical about what happened. I can say it's not her fault she didn't feel the way I wanted her to. I know it's not. But the feelings are still there.

It feels hard to give another woman my trust knowing she's going to be involved with my boyfriend. It all comes down to feeling like because I'm not as intense or passionate as he is when he first falls in love with someone, that I'm going to be watching the two of them go through NRE and feel left out in the cold.

That's what scares me. That I won't be swept away in NRE like they are and how deep down I'm going to hate watching them go through it without me. I wonder if it makes me selfish that I don't want to witness it if I'm not a part of it. I know I'm not a big enough person to just feel overwhelmed with joy for my boyfriend that he's found another love. My insecurities get the better of me and all I can see is the end of the relationship I used to have and the beginning of feeling unfulfilled.

It makes me wonder if I should even bother with this at all. It's funny how afraid I am that I'm going to really, really fall for someone who isn't going to be able to return my affections (romantically) and it's going to end up in V that I'm pretty much preparing myself for that to happen so I don't get too attached and I don't get hurt by having too high of expectations.

Yes, this line of thinking is completely ridiculous.

If you want something you have to work at it and not be afraid that it won't work out the way you want to. If I want someone to love me for who I am, I have to show them that don't I? I have to give it my all...and try to deal with it if it doesn't end the way I planned.

No matter how many times I tell myself this, or other unofficial "rules" of polyamory (i.e. don't expect someone to fall in love with you and your partner equally and appreciate the love you have)...it doesn't seem to help.

Of course, all of this hinges on the person we meet. I don't actually know anything that's going to happen until it does. I could be wrong about everything.

So why I can't move past this?

To Be In Love

2008-11-05T19:16:00.000-08:00

...with someone you can't have.

It's painful and brilliant all at once. Your heart swells at the thought of being with them and shrinks in fear at their rejection, that maybe they'll throw your love back in your face.

Or even more frightening, that they won't. That they'll tell you that they love you too. That they've wanted to be with you for as much as you've wanted to be with them.

And maybe you don't understand all the feelings you have for them. Is it love? Is it loneliness? Has it always been there? What does it mean? What kind of love is it?

Is it something that makes you want to put your arms around them at night, to stumble into bed awkwardly and nervously attempting to make love like its your first time, scared you'll be wrong and right at the same time? Is it cuddling on the couch, laughing at tv or is it barely touching while talking hours into the morning?

To imagine all these things...and feel you'll never have them but you keep hoping anyway. And this love stays alive, does love ever go away? If you leave this person, stop speaking to them, stop seeing them, pretend they don't exist, does that really mean that your love will eventually fade for them?

I've loved for so long without knowing.
I doubt even what I do know.

Bottling

2008-11-02T20:37:00.001-08:00

During our triad, my bf broke an agreement we made twice. The first time, I had expressed that I was uncomfortable with him having sex with J. without me there...and he thought because we were all getting along so well and we were having such a great day that I would be fine. And obviously I was not, it almost ended the entire thing. But I didn't want to end it and I know he really wanted it to so pushed him into talking with her and helping him from ending it before it began.

I guess right then and there I should have considered my feelings more. Because in the end, I did it more for him than I did for me. And I liked her...but it was hard to ignore the broken trust.

The second time came when the relationship was almost over and pretty much lead to the break up. We all knew the relationship was circling the drain and J was coming to stay with us for 5 days or so before my birthday. And at the time, both my bf and I agreed that we wouldn't have sex and when asked, J agreed to the no sex during this time rule as well, which I know his hard for him and her both (two sex addicts in love? please). So what happened the the few hours I had to leave for work? They broke their agreement.

They both felt horrible and confused and told me about it. It was both good and bad. It hurt like hell and it solidified the moment I fell out of love with J. Which I suppose the good things that came out of this was understanding my depth of feeling for J wasn't enough for a long heartfelt relationship. And it also somewhat answered some of my questions regarding her feelings about me versus her feelings about my bf.

In short it lead to a discussion that lasted nearly all night and me still agreeing to give this a go...but only because I loved my bf enough to give it a try. I did feel at that point for it to work the relationship would have to be reworked into a Vee because I felt the betrayal of trust between J and I was too great to overcome.

But the truth is, by this point resentment and anger had grown so great within me that I couldn't love her like I used to. I never spoke about my feelings and it was a hard lesson learned that I shouldn't wait until the breaking point to show someone how I feel. J and I never talked enough, about what we wanted, about our feelings, about our fears...

I often wonder what would have happened if we did. Would we still all be involved in some way or another? Or would it end up the same way?

I won't have these answers and I accept that. But it's a lesson learned.

Although, part of me believes this happened the way it did for a reason and while it taught me so much about myself and about my relationships, it wasn't something that was meant to last very long. If bf and I are meant to be in a long term poly relationship with someone, I don't think that someone is going to be J.

My Boyfriend Doesn't Need Me

2008-10-28T10:52:00.001-07:00

My boyfriend doesn't need me to be happy. He doesn't need me to survive, he doesn't need me to keep living. He doesn't need me to cook and clean for him. He doesn't need me to make sure his clothes are ready for work. He doesn't need me to rub his back before he goes to bed. He doesn't need me to validate his existence. He doesn't need me find love, to know it, and to cherish it. I am not his lungs or his heart.

He doesn't need me.

But he wants me.

He wants me in his life. He wants to watch movies with me. He wants to share his day with me. He wants to play video games with me. He wants to enjoy dinner with me. He wants me to comfort him and take care of him. He wants me to wake up early with him before he goes to work just so we can see each other for a short while before he goes. He wants me in his bed lying next to him every night. He always wants to touch me. He wants my body against his. He wants me to one day have his children. And he wants me to grow old with him. He wants me in his life for as long as we live and are happy together.

For the longest time, I never understood why someone saying, "I don't need you in my life, I want you in my life." was something powerful instead of secretly insulting. I felt that to be loved, I had to be needed. I had to have purpose. But now, it doesn't have to be someone else to give me purpose. It can be about someone who appreciate all my quirks, someone who loves me for silliness, my bad days, my good ones and all the mundane things in between.

My boyfriend isn't a child. He's a grown man. And he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I never thought I would be happy not being needed.

But I am.

Something About The Dark

2008-10-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

What can I say? Something about the sun setting when I'm my apartment by myself makes me twitchy. Suddenly, my apartment feels too big, where it felt peaceful and comfortable before. And then things start to feel too quiet and I start rummaging through all my dvd's just to find *something* I can put on the tv only to half ignore it while I do something else. When I used to have cable, I'd just channel surf until my brain fell out or I actually worked up the drive to do something more productive around the house (like clean).

I'm 23 years old, I should be afraid of the dark still right?

Well, it's not so much the dark that scares me...as it is being alone. I still have my moments where I'm a kid again with a crazy overactive imagination of demon alien creatures jumping out from my imagination to scare the pants off me (thank you to my older brother for making me watch horrible movies when I was younger)...but for the most part, it's the lack of someone to talk to.

I don't have a lot of friends, and even few friends that I consider to be really close with. Most of the friends I see, are work buddies who are always working. Two of my closest friends have left the country and the other lives across town so I don't see her too often.

All of these things, the lack of friends, and the lack of things to do outside of home (either due to money or time) become much heavier when the sun goes down.

What does this have to do with poly? Directly, not so much. Indirectly, it has to do with poly because it has to do with me. This is the time when my fears are greatest. This it the time when my defense is weakened and I often loose the battle of showing my insecurities who's boss. I can imagine being home alone while my boyfriend is away with another woman, completely forgetting about me. Or laying in the dark trying to sleep while they fuck in another room.

See where I'm going with this? Everything becomes negative and any chance I feel I had of fighting them goes out the window. I can't think of the positives of poly at this point. The having another person to talk to at times, someone to watch tv with or someone who doesn't have to do anything with me at all other than be in the same apartment so it doesn't feel so big.

I'm at my weakest here. And admitting your fears and weakness is half the battle right?

The things that scare me the most about poly, the fear of abandonment, of not being good enough, of not being special, of loosing something instead of gaining something...all come out here.

Wish I could say I'm armed to the teeth with energy to fight and keep fighting until I come out of this victorious...but how do you feel strong when you feel so damned weak?

Since My Last Post...

2008-10-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

I've realized that the lovely C. and I would never work out and has too many of her own needs that she fails to deal with, we would surely have one rocky relationship and call me crazy for not wanting to jump head first into that. She did, however, break up with her jerk boyfriend (who hit her) and moved back home. I'm glad for her, I know she hates being at home, but I think some time for self reflection is good.

I had the most awesome first date with a woman, H. I had ever had. From drunken stupidity, to hookahs, Greek food, lots of flirting wine, back to her place...so she could fall asleep while we made out drunkenly at 3 am...haha. I loved it and the frat boy in me was completely excited to get her top off in the pool while we made out.

Unfortunately, things with H didn't pan out after a couple of dates weren't as hot as the first one and she decided that she wasn't *that* into me. It sucked...a lot, because I really, really liked her and felt like this was a girl I could really go for and I hadn't felt something like that in a love time, despite that previous post about C.

But at least I learned something. I'm like the geeky tech/comic nerd who sits in the back of class making funny jokes to cover up the innate fear of women. I have little experience actually flirting with women.

With guys, I know the signals, I know for the most part I'll be received (hey, we all want to get laid right?) and I know at least with them, I'm pretty attractive.

But with women, I revert back to being in the 11th grade with this huge crush on a girl named Stephanie with dancers legs and red hair and thinking, "Dear God, how can make myself look more like a mute and a complete fool today?" If I'm not drinking, I'm too busy trying to figure out how to be cool and let her know that I like her.

Other than that, nothing. My bf and I are trying one of those websites with the hopes of meeting "open minded" singles in the area but the website itself sucks and we are none the richer (in terms of hot women in our bed at night).

Poly dating takes forever.

I Think I'm in Lust

2008-08-07T12:07:00.000-07:00

Looks like I've got my first serious crush since my previous relationship ended. And it's with another straight girl...my god, why do I do this to myself?

In all honesty, I'm trying to remain cool about it. I like her and I'm attracted to her, but as of right now that's all it is. I'd love to get to know her better and spend more time with her...but at the same time, she's in a relationship and I'm not the type of person to break up someone else's relationship.

Yet, despite all that, I find myself wanting to be closer to her.

It all started yesterday at the beach. Boyfriend and I were there with a bunch of friends of work and C. (my newest lady crush) was there as well. It's not like I particularly noticed anything new about her. She's still the same laid back, fun loving, very sweet and down to earth girl I knew at work. But for some reason, talking to her (just the two of us) about our childhood experiences, while wading deeper into the ocean away from everyone else made something come alive inside of me. And I'm afraid that the more time I spend with her, the more likely I am to fall in love with her.

I fall for girls quickly, too quickly I think sometimes but I think it's just who I am.

She isn't the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. And I'm not driven wild by desire every time I see her. It's something subtle that's drawing me to her. And for whatever reason, after yesterday it's harder to ignore.

Why must straight girls be the bane of my existence? (Especially ones with boyfriends!)

Ready, Set...Oh wait...Now Go

2008-07-16T17:32:00.001-07:00

I think that I have finally come to a place where I am ready to give another poly relationship a try. I'm still very scared that it'll only end badly but despite this, I feel like I've come to terms with a lot of issues I have in order to feel safe taking that leap again.

The other things that worry me, I feel are only things that'll be resolved in the relationship itself. It's something I have to experience myself in order to put them aside.

But there's a peace that I feel that I can't quite describe whenever I think about having another person in my life. I'm like many others who want the unicorn dream and I would love to have it. But I've also come to understand that I can't force it and I shouldn't hold it against someone for not returning my feelings. Who knows, it may end up being mutual.

For the longest time I've simply resisted thinking anything positive could come of this. I was too afraid of change and change is the biggest thing I need right now. My boyfriend and I still have our problems but I feel like he and I are on solid ground. We've grown and we've learned more about ourselves in the previous relationship and it brought us closer together.

This doesn't necessarily mean we're going to go out and find another person right away. We have a lot of time and energy constraints right now. But this is the first step, the first thing I need to do before I can allow myself to fall in love with another person.

So I feel ready and I feel scared but I think now's the time to learn to let go of being afraid.

Happiness

2008-05-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

I wonder how many people in our society look to another person to define their happiness. How many of those people feel the need for someone else's approval? I wonder if I could see that number written down before me if that would make me realize that I'm one of them.

A great way to set yourself up for failure is not being responsible for your own happiness. I think about this mostly when I think about J. which is not so much recently. It was another example of looking for someone to make me happy, give me something I felt I needed. Naturally, I desired female companionship and here was a woman that found me interesting enough to try, so naturally she was going to be the perfect match for me and my boyfriend and the three of us were going to live in perfect equal happiness, never needing anything else but each other. No jealousy, no lack of communication, no disagreements, nothing negative whatsoever.

If it had worked out like that, I wouldn't be spending so much time trying to figure out what went wrong and what I need to realilze about myself.

Truth is, I don't know if any relationships end up like that. If it has worked out that way for someone, I hope they spread their good mojo around for the rest of us.

But expecting the happiness to just come without any working on your part...it's pretty foolish.

I've been thinking about my own happiness a lot, I've debated about why I let the triad go on as long as it did, about whether or not I should have tried harder. And it's been hard to accept that it wasn't something I wanted beyond the ideal. Sure, in theory to me it sounded great, jump into this relationship and everything would be the way I wanted it to be. It was even harder to accept that despite how badly my boyfriend has wanted it since he was a child, I couldn't continue with someone I didn't really want to committ to for the rest of my life.

I can't say if I'll ever do it again. I won't say that I won't. And despite the many happy moments I had with J and with my boyfriend, I know that I have to make my own happiness first before that question can ever be answered.

One Journey, Many Roads

2008-04-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

I get twitchy whenever I hear anyone proclaiming that they have found the "right" way of doing things. They may not flat out say it like that, but if you read between the lines it's there.

It's what ultimately led me away from Christianity, the idea that it was entirely correct and everything else was "absolutely wrong."

I don't operate that way, I don't believe there is simply one way of doing things, one way to enlightenment, one way to vote, one way to think, with all the variety of thought out there, it simply makes no sense.

So you would think that I'm going to use this to justify poly right? Not quite.

The truth is, I don't need to justify. It's my life, I'm going to live it as I please. Everyone should have that option. Even if it's the option not to live this way. I'm not the kind of person that's going to choose one extreme over another and then scorn anyone else for not feeling the same.

I don't need science to perpetuate that we has human beings are not "wired" to be monogamous or that since everyone is already cheating, if we just be open with each other about it, it'll be all better. If you've cheated on your partner before, it's because you're not being honest with yourself about something. And if you can't be honest with yourself, you can't be honest with them, can you?

There will always be some who want to push that monogamy doesn't work and that poly does. I will never seen a need to argue this, not after what I've been through and what I've learned. It's not about poly versus mono and the great battle of which is right or which is better. I personally think that argument is pointless and silly. Anytime you try to push one end of the spectrum over another, you only isolate people.

Relationships working all depend on this: honesty and effective communication. It should be what you make of it, not what you think you should. And that has certainly been a very hard lesson for me to learn, I expect it'll be the same for others like me too.

What I need (and what everyone needs) is to learn to be ok with who I am and what I want and what I need whether it be sharing my life with just one person or more than that. I don't need to make excuses for that. Why should I, if this is who I am?

Owning My Fears

2008-04-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, I admit it. I'm pretty scared to get involved with another woman again.

I'm not over my last girlfriend. I'm better, but not over it. There are still plenty of occasions I find myself just so angry. Although half the time I can't be sure if I'm more angry at myself (for opening my hear to her) or her (for not loving me the way I wanted her to).

I find myself loosing the battle often enough when it comes to trying to rational about it and say, Yes, she did love me and yes, she did try to make me happy and unfortunately yes, she was more interested in my boyfriend than me.

One of my biggest insecurities about being with another woman who may be interested in a three way relationship with me and my boyfriend is a factor that has come up long before any of this ever happened.

The first girl I ever fell in love with told me flat out that if I was a man, I'd be perfect for her and that she wished I was. I don't think I ever fully understood how that affected me until it came to sex with my previous lady lover. It was obvious that something was missing (not just due to her lack of experience) and that I later realized came down to one thing: I'm not a man. Ok, that's not to say I could have just bought a strap on and be done with it, because lacking the equipment wasn't the true problem. The problem was something I can't change (nor do I want to).

And well...it makes me a little more than nervous about the next time I develop more than friendly feelings for a woman and want to give it another shot. I just keep thinking, "What if the whole being a woman thing just doesn't do it for her? Will I be ok with having a non-sexual relationship with this woman? Will I do it for the sake of their happiness over mine?"

I try to think about what it means, or rather what it mean to her, that I wasn't a man. How did that affect her ability to connect with me? Did she feel like she couldn't be intimate with me, not just sexually, but emotionally as well? Or did it mean that she was too afraid to realize that potential? Was it being out of her comfort zone that kept her from wanting to try? Now the big question:

Will I ever get to a point where these questions don't matter?

I want to give the next person who comes into my life the chance they deserve. I don't want what had been previously said or done to keep me from truly opening up to someone, especially when I may miss out on something truly remarkable.

I don't want to go into another relationship with someone thinking that learning to love and be with me is ultimately going to be secondary to learning to love and be with my boyfriend.

Learning from your mistakes is hard and often painful but worth it in the end.

Update

2008-04-02T03:35:00.001-07:00

I haven't been posting too much lately mainly because there's pretty much no development in this area of my life right now. My bf and I are at a point where we both don't have time to develop a relationship with another person and give it the full attention it needs. We barely have time for each other!

At the same time, thinking on someone that I've had feelings for quite a while now and how it's made me think on polyamory. I realize that I'm still a jealous person to some extent and that has to be worked on. I've also realized that I need to be able to fully trust this person in order to be able to step back if need be and let their relationship with my bf take its own course, even if their relationship with me comes to a halt. It's hard to processes but if I have feelings strong enough I think I could do it. Whether or not it would make me happy in the end is something I have yet to figure out.

My feelings for this person have made me think back on my feelings for my ex and realizing the difference between the early infatuation with someone and true deeply rooted feelings of unconditional love. I believe that one obviously happens before the other and that it takes a lot of time for the latter to grow.

I don't feel I ever had that comfort with my ex.

I wish that I could be honest about how I feel but I'm fairly certain it would only drive this person away and it's better to have them as a friend then to for them to not be in my life at all.

So the break is good. It would be nice to find someone to play with now and then but I'm glad for there to be no pressure to have a relationship with a third person right now.

Primary vs. Secondary

2008-02-20T09:36:00.000-08:00

If you ever engage in a polyamorous relationship this is something you have to deal with eventually unless you happen to have found some communally open and egalitarian group to fall into. I don't know how often that happens, I do know from reading personal accounts that many people fall into the poly world via a previously established relationship (be it their own or someone elses.)

And hopefully, if they want it to work, they didn't start out by cheating on their partners.

Many poly people don't like the concept of a heirarchy involved in a loving relationship and for others it works out fine. Having the relationship divided into primary and secondary seem like it would be easier, everyone knows where they fit and knows the rules. If you're insecure, you know you have a way out in theory.

Of course, when anything is stated in that cookier cutter phrasing then everything seems simple. And when feelings are invovled nothing is.

I was reading a blog from a woman who has been the secondary before and it gave me perspective on what it must be like to be in that position. It seems like a ticking time bomb because it's hard for me to imagine someone wanting to be in the secondary position for a long period of time.

The insecure part of me likes the idea of primaries and secondaries while the deeper, emotional part of me can't accept it. I would never want someone I give my heart to, someone I devote myself to, to ever feel as if they are less important than someone else in my life. I think it's matter of letting go of what is "mine" in favor or what is "ours."

I suppose this is why I like the idea of a triad, in theory. I know it never quite works out the way you plan for it but I like the idea that 3 people can come together, love and desire each other equally and be just as equally interested in spending their lives together. Who wouldn't want that if they could have it? More to love right?

I've never been big on the idea of open relationships and having separate lovers, I guess it makes me feel like it'll eventually take away from the relationship I currently have.

Learning Something New

2008-02-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

Occasionally I'll check a poly forum I stumbled upon to read about other poly minded people's struggles with new and/or already established relationships. It has taught me a great deal, not only about how people relate to one another, but about myself and maybe some ideas I had that I didn't realize before.

I'm starting to realize what really interests me about being poly with my boyfriend. I've always wanted a big family and at the same time I've always wanted companionship. Having another lover would be having another friend, another confidante, another perspective and a chance to grow. It would mean having another person in my life that loves me and wants to share their life with me.

The part of me that is afraid of this comes from deeply rooted insecurities that I've been trying to confront since I started to acknowledge them from the past two years. I thought that with the end of my previous relationship with my ex, J. that I had made some major breakthroughs. In a sense, I did, but it was barely scratching the surface. There are so many more issues that I have yet to really dig deeper into.

In a way, it's a comfort to know these things because despite how much they hurt, I feel like it's apositive step toward changing into a better, more positive person. I want very much to be open, to learn to be ok with who I am...

Even if I don't always feel like I know who that is, yet.

I now realize with J, I moved much faster than I should have with her. I wanted things to happen overnight, I wanted her to want me as much as I wanted her, and to love me in the same capacity to trust me and be open with me. And when she didn't, or better yet when she turned to my boyfriend as that person, it felt like a personal betrayal. All I could think about is, why is she not like this with me?

When it came down to it, I didn't recognize the fact that she was her own person with her own desires and needs and that it may not fit so neatly into what I had imagined. Instead, I took any lack of interest in me that I saw as something lacking within me. I was not good enough to have two people care about me and be what I wanted or needed. I realize now where that feeling comes from and it's much more painful than I imagined.

It was hard to think about moving at my own pace in a relationship I shared with two people and not comparing the two of them (their relationship to each other and mine to them). I didn't know what I was doing, I still have trouble communicating my needs without feeling like I'm putting a barrier on someone else's. And because of this, I started to resent someone I loved and project my feelings of inadequecy on that person.

Often I find myself looking for ways this won't work, for ways that people have failed and been hurt from it. It's like wanting to be proven right even though being proven right means loosing something much greater than gaining the knowledge that "I was right!" would ever give me.

To be poly means openinig yourself up to entirely different world of love and pain and everything that falls in between. If you've never done this before, you have to teach yourself something new. You have to relearn how to relate, you have to unlearn jealousy, you have to learn how to share, and most importantly you have to learn to be honest with yourself.

I could go on listing all the things a person needs to learn to make this work but the truth is, it's different for everyone. It's an individual process despite the fact that you are doing this with others. They have to find their own way. I have to learn how to find mine.

Trust

2008-02-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been thinking about this more than usual. It's because of the fact that between my boyfriend and I we have trust issues with each other. As much as we love each other and don't want to really think about it, it's there even if it's not as present as other things. For him, moreso than me, it's an issue he struggles with because of a) times when I was not honest with him and b) the times he doesn't know what's going on with me.

I'm not the easiest person to understand at times, I think. I don't always know where I am or how I feel and I spend so much time subconciously trying to deny something to the point where I don't even know that I'm doing it.

It's one of the issues we're dealing with now.

When we talk about another triad relationship it's always about inviting another woman into our lives because it's what interest us both. Boyfriend doesn't have any serious attraction to men or any desire to act sexual with one and because of trust issues and his own insecurities he would not be alright with us having a Vee relationship with another man. That's not to say he'd be perfectly fine with a V with a woman but it would be more likely to happen if I told him I was 100% ok with it.

Part of me feels a little bothered by this fact because even though it's not something I want, part of me can see where it would work out for me. I mean, having another man as wonderful as my boyfriend in my life who loved and supported me? At the same time, I understand where my boyfriend is coming from because were it a man that we invited into our lives, I wouldn't feel nearly as threatened.

I find it so funny to think about.

But it's what I have to go through and change if we invite another woman into our lives and sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. At the same time, I know part of that is because it's me that has to go through these changes of undoing all the feelings I've been programmed to have since I was young and it feels like he doesn't really have to.

It's one of the moments I have where I feel childish. I would like for him to be more secure in us, in me...but I know what I did to make that extra hard for him. And I know that I'm not doing exactly everything I need to make it better.

Which is why I still feel like I'm not ready to do this again. And I'm not sure that I ever will be.

It's funny how I can trust him to be sexual with another person when I'm with him and it not be about who's better or who's sexier. But when it comes to the emotional aspect of it along with the sex that doesn't involve me, that's when I freak out.

I never would have thought the hardest thing I'd have to do in my life was face my fears and insecurities about myself.

Letter to My Ex

2008-01-23T19:59:00.001-08:00

To my Ex-GF

I don't want to be your friend...at least not right now. I can't be your friend and keep my head. I can't act like we were before when we were still together and I can't pretend that nothing has changed. Everything has changed and I know it hurts you to be unable to deal with this. But having you in my life hurts, thinking about you hurts, talking to you hurts, and until I can stop hurting, I can't be who you want me to be.

I'm not saying this is forever. But it has to be this way for now, for months, for years, for I don't know how long, however long it'll take me to get to the point where I can trust you again, to where my feelings for you aren't hung up in the mix.

Because truth be told, despite what I thought, I fell for your harder than I admit to myself. I wanted so much for that love to be returned the way I needed it to be. And like I've told you many times before, I don't blame you. It's not your fault. But despite this it still hurts and I still get angry. You had what you wanted, he had what he wanted, but I was lacking something and I didn't want to admit that to myself, let alone you.

I know that's not true.

I know I'm over simplifying things. I'm sorry.

I just want to let go, to stop feeling jealous for what I didn't have and stop feeling guilty for not being satisfied with what I did. People tell you that you need to suck and up and deal with it for the sake of others. I've done that for so long I forgot how get my own needs met.

It's not your fault, I shouldn't blame you. But if feels like if I don't I have to blame myself when it's not that simple! If it isn't your fault for feeling the way you do, it shouldn't be mine.

I know I made a promise to you and I want to keep that promise, I just failed to say when that promise could be met.

Maybe it'll be years from now when I'll watch a movie I saw with you and I'll think about how much fun we had staying up late, giggling like school girls, eating chocolate, and doing all the things you never really do with a boyfriend. Maybe it'll only be a few months when before I know it I'll be calling your phone wanting to know about your life.

But that time isn't now and I don't know when it will be.

So I'm sorry to do this, but I need my space from you, from hearing about you, from seeing you, from thinking about you and everything in between I failed to mention.

If you meant what you said, then please respect my wishes.

Love,
Your First

Sometimes, You Just Wonder.

2008-01-15T22:07:00.000-08:00

I talked with my ex on the phone today while on a break at work. I've been feeling guilty about not calling her more even though we've agreed to be friends with her. She told us she was going to back off to give us the time we needed in order to be able to be her friend.

But how do you be friends with someone when you feel like you can't be open with that person?

To me, if you're my friend I expect you to be honest and up front with me and I will be the same for you. I want you to call me out on my bullshit and tell me I'm wrong (even if I don't want to hear it) and I want you to be there for me when I need you. In turn I expect myself to give it all back to you and be the best friend I can be to you.

Yet, its very difficult when you used to be in love with someone and related to them in a very different way than you do with your friends.

So, we talked for a short while and it felt very awkward. Mostly, I thought it was because her friend T. was there and she probably didn't feel comfortable for several reason:

T. is in love with her, has been for years, has asked her *repeatedly* to marry him to which she has refused every time and says she's his soul mate. (She has mentioned several times that even though she dated him in the past, none of that was going to happen again)
We know at least one of her friends highly disapproved of her relationship with me and my bf and of the "kind of people" we were. (She would never tell us who but it's possible it was him)
For obvious reason I don't think T. liked me or my bf and for obvious reasons we didn't particularly like him
And then, in a weird flash of something I couldn't deny---she was probably fucking him.

It was my first instinctual reaction when I heard he was staying for a couple of days and knowing the particular tone of voice she had (the one she used when she was trying to sound nonchalant without giving away the fact that she was trying to keep something from us).

Why would this be any concern of mine? Well, it's not. She owes me nothing really, she is not obligated in any way to offer up that information. And it's not even that she's probably fucking someone else. It's that she's probably fucking T.

From everything she's ever told me about this guy, I'd imagine she's lying to herself about her motives, she's lonely, she's hurt, he's offering himself, she's take him on it and doesn't all think that she's using him. She may say she's being upfront and honest with him about it only being "just sex" and him agreeing to that just so he can be with her.

And in any other occasion, if it was someone I was just friends with, I would feel like I had the right to express my opinion about my friends behavior, that they're doing something that not only hurts someone they care about but hurts themselves as well. But with my ex I don't feel like I can do that. And it made me feel pretty awkward and uncomfortable.

How do I continue this odd "friendship" when I feel like I can't be honest with her? Even though, she's probably not being honest with me, it's her habit to deny things to herself and to other people as well. Our conversation was pretty strained, compared to the ease with which we had our last phone conversation. The last time, I felt like I could do this. I felt like she and I could really establish a close friendship despite what happened. Maybe it's naive of me to think that but I did.

I could only imagine her discomfort was because he was there with her and it's no secret how we felt about T. and I'm sure he expressed his feelings about us to her before.

And then the real kicker...I can understand why she's doing what she's doing, but I don't respect it. I know she knows the kind of consequences it could lead to, sleeping with someone you don't love "in that way" but love as the "greatest of friends" to satiate your physical and maybe emotional needs post break up. I've known people to do this and find themselves tangled in an even bigger mess because the person they did this too can't let go. And T. never seemed like he was going to try to move on despite her rejections. He has so much hope.

In turn, not respecting her decision, makes me loose some respect for her. And then it leads to bigger questions about her relationship with us, with me. And I for one cannot handle any more confusing, agonizing introspective crap about what I was to her. I just can't.

I guess all of this makes me not want to try to be friends with her, when I feel like it's going to cause more hurt than anything else.

So now what to do I? Well, I haven't figured that out yet.

Confused? Why yes! Yes I am!

2008-01-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

In the past however long it's been since my last post, I've put polyamory on the back burner for a while. With boyfriend training for his new job he's gone most of the day and when he gets home he's got so much work that he pretty much eats, does work, then goes to bed only to get up at some insane hour and do it all again.

And he's still dealing with missing our ex-gf and not dealing with the concept that he's given up on her. So I've just been trying to make things easier for him when he gets home so he's not under too much stress.

Truth be told, this little break has been good for me. I have this tendency to feel like I need to have everything about how I feel about polyamory figured out right this second so that if the opportunity arises I will know how to handle myself (ha!).

At the same time, it does bring up some more negative feelings that still need to be sorted out. Such a change from my last entry where I felt like this lifestyle would be perfect for me. It scares me how I go from one to the other like this. It makes me concerned that I won't be able to do it and I'm just keeping my boyfriend's hopes up for no reason.

It's really important that I don't do this for him and I have to remind myself of that at times when I'm at my worst or when I think about telling him to take ex-gf back if it makes him happy. Though, I don't see myself being able to love her in the same romantic manner again. I guess that says something about my feelings for her to begin with. Maybe I wanted to feel love where in reality I was caught up in the elation of being able to explore a side of myself that was previously unexplored. Sometimes, I really just don't know anymore. I was so unhappy from my own doing for so long, it's hard to feel like I really knew anything about our relationship to begin with.

Which is odd that I feel like I would be better suited to just be friends with this woman when at one point I felt very intensely about her but maybe in the end we would've just been better off just as friends. Although, for many reasons (jealousy, insecurity, and social programming included) I feel like I wouldn't have realized this lesson if everything did not happen as it did. And there are times when I think that if he just goes back to her then everything will be fine. But you can't use one problem to fix another.

And I know that's not what boyfriend wants, even if it hurts now.

For now, I think I just need to focus on other things and let my feelings come naturally. I know I'll figure it all out eventually, even if that means I won't get my answers right now.

I never did like waiting. :)

Though I Lay Here So Still....

2008-01-05T21:25:00.001-08:00

For the first time since I've started down this path, I really feel the potential for something powerful, unique, and passionate that only this kind of relationship could offer. I find myself feeling excited by the prospect of new love and sharing that intense passion with another person and with the man I love. To have the love grow and be shared amongst the three of us...

I never thought I'd want something like this or ever really feel the compulsion to have it.

I guess this is how I know that I can do it again, despite my doubts and fears. It feels so good to have discovered this on my own and to finally know it in myself.

Shit Hurts

2008-01-03T22:43:00.000-08:00

So just when you think the worst of the messy part of a break up is dealt with...something comes out of left field and hits you in the face.

A couple of days ago, boyfriend told me how much part of him misses ex-gf. Originally, I had the impression that he didn't make the decision to leave based off of my problems entirely. I thought he felt problems with her too.

I felt some comfort in that fact that I wasn't the only one who wanted out. Now I realize that it's not entirely the same. He did want out, he was tired of her being closed off...but at the same time he believes in putting everything you've got into making it work, if it's someone you love. The problem is, she's no longer someone I love and not someone I want to fight for. But a part of him still does.

I'm left feeling like, "So now how do I handle this?"

He doesn't resent me and he's not going to push that we give it another shot because he knows that I don't want to be with her. But it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't believe on giving up on anyone. And it hurts. It hurts to see him hurt and see him partly crying out for another person. And to know that I'm part of that pain.

I keep blaming myself, feeling like if I had only done better, tried harder, if I only loved her still that I could fix this whole thing. Only, it's not for me to fix. I can't force love (though there were many times today that I wished I could) and I can't force myself to fight for something that I really don't think is going to be good for me.

So now what? I try to be the supportive girlfriend, realize he's going through a tough time and that he needs me to be strong. I try to get over my feelings of guilt and try to accept how I feel. I work towards being happy with myself and my decisions. I pray that he never wakes up one day, after all this is done, and thinks, "I hate her for keeping this person away from me."

And I take the time that I need to cry. I just wish that I had someone I could talk to about this...

What Would It Be Like?

2008-01-01T16:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I think about possibly allowing myself to live a polyamorous lifestyle, I just get so terrified at the thought of how much I have to change. It's not that I need to alter my hair, or dress, or even how I carry myself. I have to change the way I've looked at certain things since I was a kid.

I grew up in a Christian household (but I am no longer a Christian for various reasons unrelated to this) and many of its teachings stick with me regardless of how far I try to remove myself from it.

When you're young, often enough through society you're taught that you have to look for that special someone to fill your everything. It's never "special someones."

But now when I think about my romantic future, it's all very unclear. I still see the typical getting married and having kids...but then where do the other's come in? Where do they fit with me and my future husband?

Not only that, but now I need to be able to answer the question of "What does it mean when my significant other has deeply emotional romantic feelings for someone else? Does that threaten my relationship with them or enrich it?"

And how do you define what love is to you when before it consisted of love between two people not love between three, four, or however many people involved there can be. Do I really believe that love exists when there isn't exactly sexual exclusiveness? Am I even comfortable with that notion? Often with polyamorous relationships you have to examine how love and sex come into play. It's no longer about "ownership" as some refer to it. You don't own that persons body or sexuality. And their love is not limited or finite.

It not exactly some of the easiest concepts to grasp or even to truly understand because it means going to into new, scary territory. At the same time, it seems like it can be very liberating because now there's no real need for fear or jealousy. You don't worry that this person will leave you for someone else or that they might cheat. And you don't have to hide something from yourself because being open and honest about it may hurt your loved one.

Sometimes when I'm at my worst, I can't understand how my lover could share himself with me and another person without our relationship diminishing or being less of what it is. But then there are times that I can see how much love there is between us that it's impossible to let something this wonderful go. We compliment each other, we cherish each other, we work well together. And the biggest part of it: We're happy together, why would that change? What makes someone else so much better that he looses all interest in the time and effort he's put in to show how much he cares about me. I think I can give him more credit than that.

I know most people won't be able to understand that. That there's some part of them deep down inside that is personally offended at the concept of their lover being with another person.

It makes me wonder that if our society were different, would more people be willing/comfortable with the concept of polyamory? Would it be easier for me? Sometimes I wish I were like the kind of people where it seems to come naturally to them because then there'd be no jealousy issues, no fear of loss, and so many new discoveries on the impact love can have on a person.

Moving On

2007-12-30T16:02:00.001-08:00

I spoke to my ex gf last night on the phone and I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere with this whole break up thing. It was complicated for a while because I was just filled with so much anger, directed everywhere, and a lot of "What if I had done this? Would that have mattered?"

Somehow during the conversation, I realized that those things really don't matter. It's over. The questions I so badly wanted to know (i.e. How she really felt about me...) can't really be answered. Our relationship with her was short, only a few months. And seeing how someone cares for you takes time to see and understand. Even if she said what I wanted to hear, there's no going back to show it more or to allow myself to believe it.

It was like clearing the fog in brain, I could finally understand that I just had to let it go. You take your mistakes and learn from them, right?

I also realized that I'm not in love with her anymore. Crazy right? You go from one extreme to another very rapidly. Now that I know this I feel like I can a) be friends with her without holding things against her and b) be open to the possibilities.

At least now I don't feel so damn guilty every time I think about it. I made my mistakes and I learned from them.

Fear and the Downward Spiral

2007-12-25T19:04:00.001-08:00

Along with the jealousy is feeling out of control. One of my biggest problems was feeling like I was loosing control of my own relationship. Suddenly, everything needed to redefined. Who was I in this relationship? What does it mean if I'm not included? What if she loves/wants him more than me? I'm not the only one to fear this and I don't blame anyone for it. I've heard plenty of stories where that exact thing has happened. And people have worked through it.

My problems stemmed from my own fear of the unknown. I feared being left behind so much that I played a part in it happening. I'm not saying I did it entirely on my own but my actions most certainly contributed to it. And part of understanding and growing is knowing where you went wrong.

Once I felt like I lost control and that I was no longer the most important person in my bf's life, I started to resent gf for being there, even though it was me who wanted her around more in the first place. I felt angry whenever I wasn't getting the exact vision of affection and I love I expected from her and instead of understanding her emotions, I steamrolled past them with my own. I knew inside that it was hard for her to be sexual and affectionate with another woman as it was completely new to her. And due to a lot of negativity from her mother about "lesbians" and negative feedback from her friends on us and the relationship...it's no wonder she held back as much as she did.

Still her holding back was her contribution to why it didn't work. She barely scratched the surface of her own feelings and rarely (if ever) showed what she really felt.

In the end I got caught in this horrible cycle of hating seeing them together, wanting more from ex gf, wanting things to remain as they were, and knowing nothing was going to stay the same. It ended for so many reasons. I still have my relationship with bf even though there are still some kinks to work out with trusting him and her to not cross of the boundaries of friendship and do something to hurt me again.

That's another story for another day

Jealousy is a BITCH

2007-12-25T18:54:00.001-08:00

I know that's common knowledge, but you never truly feel how powerful it can be until you decide to share yourself and the person you love with another person. Especially if you've been with that person or a long time and have a very deep and powerful connection. And then you discover all these new ways you become jealous that you never realized before.

When we were all involved I would get jealous of:

anytime affection was being shown to each other and those deep, loving expressions that my bf would show to me were being directed at another woman
whenever they had sex when I wasn't around
and later whenever they had sex period
whenever my ex gf would have sex with my bf more than me
anytime I tried to be affectionate with her and her seeming less than comfortable with it and then being completely relaxed with bf.

The list just goes on. And even more infuriating at times is how I can still manage to feel jealous even after the relationship has ended. I can sit and bring up all the things that hurt me or rather that I allowed to hurt me.

One thing you really have to consider is when you enter this kind of relationship you really need to know what it means to share your lover. It's not just you getting to be intimate and affection with another person, it's being able to handle a relationship that has nothing to do with you and still somehow being a part of it. Sound tricky? It is.

One mistake I made was never talking about it. (It always comes back down to communication). I felt that if I ever said anything, they would both freak out and feel pressured to end this whole thing because I wasn't handling it well. Although now I know, if I had spoken up earlier on bf and I could have really worked through this and maybe it would have encouraged gf to open up too.

Jealousy can make you feel things that aren't true to the point where you can't be convinced otherwise. It turned me into a monster and when I really started to think about it, it was too little too late to really fix anything. But on the upside I got to fix myself, or at least start on that road to it.

So Mom...

2007-12-23T13:33:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest fears, one that I feel like totally got in my way of trying to make this work was:

"What the fuck am I going to tell my mother??"

My mother is a wonderful woman, who's pretty accepting for a very devout Christian woman. I told her I liked girls once and she took it better than I thought. But I learned quickly that it was pointless to try and have a conversation about it because it made her so uncomfortable. And since I had never really had a long term relationship with a woman it never became a pressing issue.

I don't think she'd be nearly as accepting if I said, "Hey mom, E. and I decided to get a girlfriend, can I bring her by for dinner?"

I would work myself up so much about it to the point of tears thinking, "Oh my god, my mother's not going to love me anymore, I'll be kicked out of the family!! Blah blah blah..."

You know, things that when you think about it, make no sense. My brother has done worse things in his life and she's never tossed him out on his ass.

My bf and ex-gf's parents knew and took it much better than I imagined they would, but I know my mother and some of the experiences they've had would shock my mom I think. But maybe I don't give her enough credit. People can be surprisingly supportive of their own kids...and other's not so much.

Part of me is considering telling her now that it's over. I really want to know how she'd feel about it because, let's face it, I need my mother. She's been there for me when no one else was. I can't loose her love and respect.

But...maybe I'll hold off on that conversation until after Christmas.

Communication! Now Why Didn't I Think of That??

2007-12-22T18:45:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about my ex-girlfriend and why things went south with her a lot lately. Mainly because it happened so recently and I still can't figure out how I feel about it entirely. I love her, miss her and part of me wonders if I made a big mistake. Maybe I should have given her more time to become comfortable with the new situation. Maybe I should have been more patient with her as she got used to being intimate with another female.

There are a bunch of maybes lately.

The reason my (our) relationship didn't last longer than it did was the result of many things. There was a severe lack of communication between her and I and often it was boyfriend who had to deal with it from in the middle. Not ideal for him.

Getting girlfriend to open up was difficult enough all on it's own. She had her own issues and personal baggage about "letting people in" and "hurting people" that she kept herself at a distance from the beginning. It's like I said to my boyfriend when things were nearing an end, "It's like she had one foot out the door ever since she got here."

I know it doesn't sound fair to say because this was new to her too and she did try on some level. But when you want a relationship to work with someone you have to be open and honest completely. And not just with them. You have to be those things to yourself first. Yet again, another lesson I had to learn the hard way. But I guess it's those lessons that stick the best.

Part of the reason I kept my feelings to myself for so long was the fact that I didn't know if I wanted this. Was I really going to be ok sharing my bf? And what about telling my family? How would I tell them? I was even freaking out about how to deal for the holidays. Not to mention the fact that very soon she was going to be moving out of the state and I had never dealt with a long distance relationship, let alone a long distance poly one. That alone was enough to scare me away.

The biggest problem I had was learning to reevaluate my ideas about love and sharing love. I asked myself for a very long time, how am I going to be able to share the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? What if he finds a better partner in her and leaves me behind? What if this new girl is only interested in being with him? Could I deal with a relationship that involved another person I was not sexually involved with? Would that make me happy?

In the end I had to understand that yes I can share him and that yes I can be happy doing so...if the person is equally interested in me as well.

At least now I know what I want, even if it meant I had to go through breaking someone else's heart. Sometimes you have to do something that hurts because it's what's best for you.

In the end she wasn't what was best for me and boyfriend felt the same way. But it doesn't stop it from hurting. I don't regret it, I always figured if I did something like this and it went south that I would. But I don't. I learned a so much about myself, about my love...I feel stronger for it.

We're still trying to be friends and right now she's kind enough to give us the time we need to get to a point where we can be friends with her without being lovers to her as well. It'll take more time I think to be able to have another relationship like this one.

Dispelling the Myths

2007-12-22T15:13:00.000-08:00

There are things which I am and things which I am not.

For instance:

I'm bisexual---I am NOT however a greedy, confused, selfish individual that can't choose a side. I like men and women and that's how it will always be. I certainly DO NOT jump at anything and/or everything that walks and breathes.
I'm poly curious---this means that I'm interested in polyamory and the concept of "ethical nonmonogamy" but I am still unsure how I feel about it. It does NOT mean that I am incapable of being monogamous or that I'm looking for newly sanctioned excuses to cheat on my lover.
I am a sexual person---I am NOT a person unable to control their sex drive or that will fuck anything that moves. My sexuality is not something for other people to use at their disposal.

Whenever the idea of threesomes, foursomes, vee's with hinges, polyamory, or anything that suggests a romantic relationship/sexual outside of traditionally established values comes up, most people just don't know what to do with it. Hell, the first time I really thought about I didn't either.

I mean...isn't that just some selfish individuals way of trying to have it all without being blamed for cheating on their partner? Yes and No. Sure there are plenty of people who would like to use these things as an excuse for inexcusable behavior. I am not one of them, neither is my boyfriend.

So what are we then? Simply enough, we're two people who are open to the possibility that we can both love and care for each other and another person without there being any negative reflection on the state of our relationship. We're not lacking anything in the other and this isn't something that we need per se. It's something that we do want to explore.

I won't pretend that the idea doesn't scare me. It fucking terrified me at first, and sometimes it still does. I remember the first time this came up between my boyfriend and I, and I thought "What's so wrong with me that he need another woman to fulfil his needs? Why aren't I enough?"

I had to learn (albeit the hard way) that it doesn't mean I'm less of a person or that he is.

So what do people think when told that my boyfriend and I had invited another into our hearts and our bed?

That something must be very, very wrong with my boyfriend for "needing" to have to women in his life
That I can't possibly be ok with this and that I'm only doing it to make him happy
That he and I are not serious about our love with each other
It can't/won't last

I don't blame people for necessarily thinking it's nuts. Like I said, I was there once. But many people don't stop to consider their biases or realize where they are coming from. Most people don't see any of those statements as being ignorant and unfair.

The first (and only) time I did this, it was because I wanted to. It started out with just the sex and grew into something more. Boyfriend and I talked and together we agreed to take things to the next step. I wasn't coerced and I certainly wasn't doing it just for him. I wanted it too. And the both of us have never been more serious about a relationship with someone than we are with each other in our entire lives. When you meet the person you know will enrich and brighten your life and make it a joy to spend every waking moment with them, you know it. It doesn't fall into your lap every other day.

As far as it lasting...well, that's another thing entirely. I've heard of other's who have made it last for decades and then there's people like me who only had it for a few months. But I believe there's a reason for everything and if you really want something to work you'll make it work. I'll save more details about the relationship for another post all together.

For more information check out these sources:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

http://www.polyamoryonline.org/